What Is Ego Death? A Journey Through the Shattering and the Becoming

Life Force in Motion, A Seven-Card Reading

Ego Death is not new. Though my experience felt singular, an unraveling so personal that it seemed no one could understand, it is something seekers across time have encountered, named, and surrendered to. Some call it moksha, the final liberation from illusion. Others call it nirvana, the extinguishing of the false self. It is also known as kenosis, the emptying of personal identity to merge with the divine.

I did not seek it. It found me.

My Ego Death was not a singular moment; it was a slow unraveling, a series of events that chipped away at the illusion of self until nothing remained. At first, it was a subtle feeling beneath the surface, knowing something was rising to the surface. I had encounters that shook me, reflections that unsettled me, and experiences that whispered, “Look deeper.”

But I did not fall gently. I did not arrive at this realization through slow contemplation. Something came into my life and shattered the last illusions I was clinging to. It was not a teacher. It was not a lesson I sought. It was a force, a mirror so intense that I could not look away, even as it burned through every falsehood I had built. I thought I was paying attention to the signs and allowing my process to unfold.

And then, it happened.

The shattering. Through this shattering, I saw that everything I thought I was- the body, mind, roles, and stories- was never me. And if I was not those things, then who was I? That was the breaking point. The threshold I could not return from. For a long time, I believed that Ego Death was simply a misconception, thinking it was more about controlling your ego and letting it take a backseat to become more adaptable. I could not have been more mistaken.

We believe we are the sum of our experiences for much of life. We construct meaning from what we have seen, done, and felt. We build our identity piece by piece: our name, our role, our beliefs, our wounds. We hold onto these things as if they are who we are until something shifts, until a moment comes when the mind, this tool that has served as the architect of identity, can no longer contain the vastness of what we are.

And so, it cracks.

When the mind quiets, when the body is no longer the center of your being, all that is left is emptiness. What remains is presence. It is watching, aware, untouched by thought or form. It does not struggle or cling. It simply is. In this space, I came to know a truth that I had once only grasped in words: I am the awareness that has always been watching. And in that awareness, I found something unexpected:

Peace.

What unfolds after experiencing ego death? What truly changed was the relationship I have within myself. I still have thoughts, but they no longer define me. I still have desires, yet I recognize that I am not my desires. I still feel pain, but I understand that I am not my pain. Everything continues to exist; however, it no longer defines who I am. I no longer serve the mind; I witness its workings. I no longer suppress the body; I fully experience it. I no longer fear the shadow; I welcome it as a part of the whole. The distinction between awakening and avoidance doesn’t involve escaping the self; instead, it’s about realizing that I was never the mind and body in the first place. And so, I returned not as an identity or an illusion, but as the essence that underlies everything.

I haven’t reached the finish line; it’s not a destination to achieve and leave behind but a transformation in our existence. Integration means remembering that while I am here, in this body and this life, I am not confined by it. Thoughts may come and go, but I am the awareness that holds space between them. My fluid identity allows me to explore, express, and enjoy it without being trapped. The shadow within isn’t an enemy to be defeated; it’s a part of wholeness, a rich layer of experience to be embraced. Awakening is not about detaching from life but immersing myself fully in it without being overwhelmed. So I advance, not as a seeker, a persona, a mind, or a body, but as the awareness that has always been present.

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The Life Force in Motion: The Alchemy of Awakening

At this moment, I felt a deep pull toward understanding how the energy of transformation flowed through me. I turned to the alchemy of the elements, the ancient language of energy, and the chakras, using them as a map to navigate the shifts within. I pulled seven cards in this exploration, each unveiling a deep layer of my evolving self.

Earth | Root Chakra | The Peacock’s Tail

(Foundation, Stability, Safety, Physical Presence)

The essence of everything lies in the base, the root, the physical reality that anchors us. My foundation is no longer what it once was. The structures that once held me together have dissolved, but something far more radiant remains. The Peacock’s Tail speaks to a transformation of perception, a foundation not built of stone, but of iridescence, fluidity, and expansion. To be rooted is not to be rigid. My foundation now is light-filled, alive, ever-changing, yet whole. The self I once clung to has become something more vast, a being that moves with the currents of the universe rather than against them.

Water | Sacral Chakra | Uranus

(Sensuality, Desires, Creativity, Emotional Flow)

The Sacral Chakra is where passion and creation reside. It is the space where energy moves like water: fluid, responsive, and alive. But Uranus is a disruptor, a force that refuses stagnation and shakes loose what is too rigid to flow. I had to ask myself: Where was I gripping too tightly to old desires? Where was I mistaking comfort for alignment? This card was not just about change; it was about radical shifts in how I experience pleasure and sensuality and create. It was an invitation to break free from what no longer serves, even if it once felt right. I want to embrace my desires not as fixed destinations but as ever-evolving expressions of my soul’s movement. Freedom in the Sacral Chakra is not about indulgence or repression but allowing energy to flow without resistance.

Fire | Solar Plexus Chakra | Gold

(Personal Power, Confidence, Identity, Action)

The Solar Plexus is the center of personal power, but Gold is not raw fire. It is refined fire, purified and glowing with its radiance through the alchemical process. The message is this: True confidence is not about proving something. The old self sought power through control, validation, and achievement. The awakened self transcends the need to seek power because it embodies power itself. My Solar Plexus was transforming. This journey wasn’t about egoic power but about embracing true sovereignty.

Air | Heart Chakra | The Red and White Rose

(Love, Unity, Inner Harmony, Spiritual Connection)

The heart chakra is where duality dissolves, giving and receiving become one, and love transforms from a transaction into a state of being. The Red and White Rose whispered to me: Your heart is already whole. It has always been in union with your soul. I spent so much time searching for love outside of myself, seeking connection in another and purpose in something beyond. But the truth is that the love I was seeking had never left me. This card is about love and the reminder that my heart and soul were never separate. It carries another lesson: to listen and slow down. The heart is a bridge between the physical and the spiritual, and if I want to receive its wisdom, I must treat my body as a temple, not as something to escape from, but as the sacred vessel through which my heart’s knowing arrives.

Ether | Throat Chakra | Saturn

(Expression, Truth, Communication, Divine Timing)

The Throat Chakra is where truth moves into form and where the heart speaks into existence. But Saturn is not about rushing. It is about time, patience, and structure. For me, this was a call to refine the way I express my truth. To understand that there is power in silence just as much as in words. The mind wants to say everything, to explain, to be understood. But wisdom? Wisdom knows when to pause and let the truth settle before releasing it. It isn’t about holding back my voice but recognizing its significance. Some words can either elevate or undermine. I am responsible for choosing my words carefully, not out of urgency but with intention and clarity.

Intuition | Third Eye Chakra | Quicksilver

(Inner Vision, Perception, Quantum Awareness, Fluidity of Truth)

The Third Eye does not see with the mind. It sees beyond it. Quicksilver revealed something profound: Intuition is not rigid or a set of rules. It is a liquid language, a shifting current. The mind wants certainty, fixed answers, and conclusions. But intuition? It moves like water, like metal that bends and reforms without losing its essence. This card asked me: Am I allowing my intuition to move? Or am I pinning it down to make it fit into my expectations? True vision is not about forcing clarity. It is about being fluid enough to receive what is meant for me, even if it arrives in a form I didn’t expect.

Cosmos | Crown Chakra | Coagulation

(Spiritual Connection, The Divine, The Return to Wholeness)

The Crown Chakra is where all separation dissolves, where the illusion of “I” falls away, and all that remains is unity. And Coagulation, the final stage of alchemy, was the perfect message for this moment. Ego death was not the end; it was a transmutation. A re-forming and a return to the self, but without illusion. The self I was before is gone. But the one that stands now? This one knows who it is. And at the crown, the place where all dissolves into the infinite, I found Coagulation. The great paradox of alchemy: after everything has been broken down, purified, dissolved into nothingness, it comes together in a new way. I had the fear of dissolving and losing myself. The self does not disappear; it transforms, reforming in alignment with the truth.

Final Reflection

This spread was not just a reading but a map of my integration. Ego death did not leave me feeling empty. Instead, it left me clear. It stripped away the false and revealed the real. It did not take my desires, love, voice, or intuition; it purified, refined, and freed them from distortion. The Life Force in Motion continuously unfolds, a becoming without end. Therefore, I walk forward not as someone seeking or lost but as someone fully present.

At one time, I thought freedom meant having control over my circumstances, emotions, and life outcomes. I believed freedom was the power to choose and shape my identity and destiny. But I’ve realized that true freedom isn’t simply about making choices within a system. It’s about understanding that you are never really bound by the system. Freedom isn’t about escaping this world, nor is it about exerting control over it. It’s about seeing through the illusions that bind us. It’s the awareness that the self, consciousness, and presence are separate from the body, mind, and material world.

The ego often seeks liberation in power, while the mind looks for it in certainty, and the body discovers it through physical movement. Absolute freedom recognizes that your thoughts, fears, or physical form do not define you. You are simply the observer, the one watching from a distance, the space in between. You embody presence itself, and nothing, no external force, physical limitation, or false sense of control, can diminish that essence.

If you are uncertain why things keep happening to you, take a moment to question it. As your mind unravels, clinging to thoughts and feeling a sense of panic, choose to surrender. Remember, you are not being destroyed or erased; you are simply recalling what you have always been. Embrace the stillness and observe your thoughts without attachment. Experience your body without becoming defined by it. And never forget: You are not your thoughts, fears, or shadows. You are the observer, and that has always been your inherent nature.

The Wild Unlnown Alchemy Deck by Kim Krans “As above, So Below”

“Emperor” by Yaima

Thank you for sticking around until the end. I send all my unconditional love to you, my soul family! 💗💋